Blokes

courtesy of Ned Martin x

As some of you may know, since the age of 11 I've spent 90% of my time in groups that are 75% male. Secondary school saw me sitting in classes that were made up of 7 girls to 24 lads. College followed suit. The jobs I've had since leaving have all been in menswear & as such every office I've been in has been a complete sausage fest. I've holidayed with them. Partied with them. Snored with them. 

Some of my best friends are blokes and having spent so much time around them in the past 15 years has resulted in me having a very privileged insight into their world. Sense the sarcasm?

I thought it was about time I imparted some of this 'wisdom ' in my fellow females. Females that have been lucky enough to have mates that they can talk about nail varnish with. Females that haven't grown up being bantered for doing anything remotely emotional.

Here are some of the best things I've learnt. Some might be useful. Some not so much. 

- FIFA is important. Really important. As a girl entering the life of any male, it will do you good to ingrain this into your mentality.

- Sometimes he won't call. He won't call because he's playing FIFA. And FIFA is important. Really important.

- They cannot watch TV and hold a conversation. Wait til the adverts.

- Yes, most of them do have nicknames for their nether regions. It's fine. If you pry some of them are actually pretty bloody funny. Getting a good mate of mine really drunk one night and asking him what his was called resulted in me now knowing he refers to it as Captain Pugwash. Brilliant. 

- If they offer to pay, don't challenge them on it. It gets them edgy and in some cases seriously wound up. Say thank you and sit back down.

- If you are just a friend, there is an 88% chance that they've only listened to half of what you've ever said to them. The other half of the time is spent checking out the girl over your shoulder/ your mate/ your cousin/. True story.

- They do sometimes have a sit down wee as a treat. Don't ask.

- They love a cuddle. They give it all the big'un that it drives them mad in their sleep. It's crap.

- Some of them refer to girls in terms of pints. For example; if a girl is a 'two pinter' she's stunning and requires some dutch courage to approach. If she's a 'nine pinter' she looks like a run over version of Janet Street Porter and he will never admit to having taken her home.

- They follow stupid rules like 'if I meet her on a Friday night, I'm obviously not going to text her until early Sunday evening, cos well....that's the rules'. Obviously lads. Obviously. Or another classic 'you can't text her every day - not until you've been out more than twice. Too eager'. This is the point that I put my head through the wall.

- The ones that have been brought up properly all subconsciously take the traffic side when you're pavement bound. This isn't necessarily a chivalry thing. They just all love the thought of a girl falling over her heels and them having to Tom Cruise it into the road.

- Farting IS hilarious. Literally the funniest thing that will happen in any given situation.

- They could spend 4 hours in the company of their oldest mate. When you ask, 'How was John?', they will probably respond, 'I dunno, we just had a pint'. 

- They genuinely appreciate girls perfume. They record a scent. It's a caveman thing.

- They LOVE calling people 'Boss'. Pizza delivery man. Cab driver. Bar man. Everyone but their actual boss. Yes boss.

- Gym is purely another excuse to socialise. Few men will ever gym alone. And if they do, they know at least four other members. Spot me bruv.

- They love an alone pint. Just the one. On their own. Man time.

- Most of them don't see the need for constant contact. Don't fret if he's not all text, text, text. He's probably just playing FIFA or something. 

- Whining will get you nowhere. When your voice goes over a certain pitch, their ears literally just close. 

- They all near enough read the paper starting at the back. Football first. World affairs second. Man priorities. 

- On the whole, they secretly (or not so secretly) love a dance. In their heads they're all Will Smith and love a throw down. Depending on the bloke, it takes varying amounts of booze, but you'll get them there.

- They enjoy a girl that enjoys a beer. Just don't pretend to be interested in football if you're not. They hate that. If you are. Fair game. 

- They enjoy even more pretending to really fancy their mates sisters. Near the mark. But so funny.

- Yes, a girl in a football shirt is sexy. ALL THE TIME. 

- They have space in their heads for two birthdays. Their mums and their significant other. If you are neither, your birthday well wishes will either be non existent or 48 hours late.

- And most shockingly of all - They genuinely don't have a look around when they're at a urinal. They are all 'eyes straight ahead'.

I know...I still can't believe that.

LL x